A couple of weeks ago, I sat at my work desk and stared at a picture of Janen that I tacked to my cubicle while waiting for the dialer to pull up another cold-call "lead" of someone that would potentially cuss at me. I sat and stared at those beautiful eyes and thought about how much I missed her. How guilty I felt for leaving her for several hours a day. And I am embarrassed to mention, how resentful I felt that we were in a situation where I had to go back to work because nobody wants to hire my husband who holds a bachelor's degree in Chemical Engineering. So I turned to my neighbor/friend and said, "I'm doing it, I'm quitting right now." (By the way, at this point James had been hired on at the same company as well so I felt that my duty to work outside of the home was no longer needed).
I sent an email to my supervisor, because he wasn't there that day, and let him know that I was quitting because I felt I needed to be at home with my daughter. He was very understanding and I honestly felt liberated. I went home happy and hugged and kissed on my sweet little girl. I wanted to believe that James could be successful as a salesman and make the money we needed to pay off debt that we've occurred over the past 6 months because of his unemployment. Vivint (his job) made it sound like he could earn a good and steady paycheck that would be a great help to us until he could find something in his career, but so far that hasn't been the case. A lot of it is silly politics which isn't really the point of my post, but all in all it had me worrying again. Basically, we still don't know what he's getting in commission and some unfair things have happened to him.
The person who trained me for outbound sales, promised he would switch me over to inbound. Well a week, two weeks, then three went by and nothing was being done. So I just figured it was never going to happen so when I quit I didn't think twice about it. But then the trainer found out I quit through James and said that he needed me to come work inbound and be on his team. After playing phone tag for several days, we finally met and he said he would like me to start on the tenth of October. At first I was kind of relieved because we need the extra money (ten dollars an hour doesn't cut it, unless we want to live in a studio apartment and take the bus) but with each passing day, I have felt more and more anxious about it.
More than anything, I want to stay at home with my daughter. My life was seriously so good being a full-time mommy and full-time student. I was only away from her at the most 5 hours a week at school. Being at work helped me to realize how much I really cherish motherhood. BUT, I also don't like being in the financial strain we've been in and to go back and work would mean more money in our bank account, less stress and no more asking for loans! But I don't feel 100 percent right about going back to work. The only thing I am certain about is how much joy being with Janen gives me.
The biggest dilemma is that it's so hard for me to let go and trust that everything will work itself out. I want to fix it and I want to fix it now, but I also know that I can't neglect my roll as a mother. We've been waiting to hear back about a job for James in his field and he heard back today that they want him to come in for one more final interview. I was hoping he would know whether or not he got the job by Friday so that it would be easier to make my decision to return back to work, but perhaps I am to make the choice to stay home regardless and just make do. Sell all of our stuff, donate a kidney (jk)
I know that things could be so much worse, I really do! I've lived through worse growing up and I don't want to go through that again or especially have my children go through that. All I am asking is for stability. For my husband to be rewarded for his hard work and the good man that he is.
A friend suggested a blessing. Yes, I think I will get one. I know what I must do, but I just need to feel peace and be able to let go.
and for James to get a good-paying job...is that so much to ask?
Obviously you are not comfortable going back to work because you have written a fairly long blog post about it. I have found that when I make a decision but I can't get settled on it, that means one of two things. Either, it is the wrong decision and I need to rework it, or it is the right decision and I won't trust myself. But from your post, it sounds like you are circling the 'wrong decision' side. And honestly, I don't blame you. Weston and I are having the same problems with money right now because he is only getting paid 11 and hour and didn't get the promised raise when he was hired.
ReplyDeleteGetting a blessing would be a very good idea. Once you have had that blessing, follow any direction it gives you, BUT make a decision and go with it. If you decide to go back to work, then move forward with that. If you are still unsettled with it, leave that idea behind. Do not do something that your gut is telling you is not right.
I love you kiddo and I hope that you can figure this out. Being an Adult sometimes really really sucks!
I know how you feel. Daily, I find myself wishing I were back at home with my kids and taking care of them. Working stresses me out so much that I feel that even when I'm at home I'm not fully there for my kids. It is a hard thing to work and be a mom. I know right now, I have to work... regardless of how much I like it.
ReplyDeleteYou and your husband are the only ones who can truly know what is best for your family. Trust yourself and trust in Heavenly Father. Pray about it, open to whatever the answer may be and follow it.