Friendship

I've been thinking a lot about the word "friend" or "friendship" lately. My friendships with others, friendships extended to me; wondering if I'm pulling my weight as a friend as well as I should. A friend (whom I was once close to) told me that the more friends she gained, the more overwhelmed she felt. She wanted them all to know she loved them and cared for them, but her number in friends was increasing and she felt she couldn't give them all the amount of attention and companionship they craved from her. Some of her friends were bound to feel left out and forgotten from time to time. She is someone that many people love and adore.

I honestly didn't share her same feelings when she told me this four years ago. But then again, I wasn't the Relief Society President at the time so part of those feelings probably stemmed from that calling. However, I recently have felt the weight of friendship in a way I have never felt it before, but feel so inadequate to be the friend that I both want to be and need to be at this time in my life because life is busy.

I feel impressions to be more proactive about my friendships and to try and develop more of them among the women in my ward. This is honestly not an easy thing for me. I still hold onto friendships I had back in California, comparing the friendships I had with them to the ones I am trying to develop with those living in Utah. It's hard because my California friends were so unique and awesome and I felt like I fit right in. I could be myself and I was loved for it and when I say 'myself' I mean full-out, no-holds barr on feelings, tears, spill your guts and show your quirky side myself. I feel that occasionally with the friends I have made here, but I don't get together with them nearly enough.

The big reason for that is because, of course, I'm married and have a baby. That I totally understand and I don't expect to hang out with friends every day because we all have a ton of responsibilities at home that need to be a priority, I get that! But sometimes, I think those of us in our situation forget how important female companionship is (and male companionship for the husbands of course) and don't make as much of an effort any more. I know I don't. or didn't, but still don't....well, I'm working on it.

So all of this thinking kind of segued it self into another area of my life that I would like to greatly improve and that is TIME MANAGEMENT. Oh my word, if only I was an expert at this, so much would get done. James and I both agreed that we really need to manage our time better. Because although our time isn't completely wasted day to day, there are better things we can be doing and let's be honest, sometimes we let time slip away before we even realize it's already left us and it's midnight and we need to get to bed! I have decided to buy a big white board for the kitchen and we are going to schedule our lives a little better. Don't worry, I'm not going to be an overscheduler or anything, I really don't think it is in my nature to do that! But this way I will be reminded to make the best use of my time.

This goal of time management, I believe, will also push me in the right direction towards strengthening friendships I have here, in california, everywhere! How you ask? Because I am going to make an effort to schedule time with friends either to visit, chat on the phone or online, I need to be a more consistent friend. I feel that if I am consistent, then others will reciprocate. Or at least I hope they do, because I am looking for a friendship and last time I checked friendship is based on equal give and take.

I will be honest, I don't feel like I am the best at making friends and maintaining them sometimes because I am a little (a lot) insecure about myself. *gasp* me? Insecure?? No! Well, believe it, I am. But it doesn't mean that I'm not going to try. So answer the phone when I call you ok? :-)