Eat Pray Love

Some of you, if not most, are aware of this book/movie. I have yet to see the film, but plan on it this week sometime with a couple of girlfriends. I am in the process of reading the book. I wanted to start it sooner, but couldn't get a hold of a copy at the library. Instead, James bought it for me this past Saturday while we were at Target looking at their lap top selections and treating Janen to a couple of new toys. I am about 100 pages into it and hope to be done with it by tomorrow.

Even though I haven't reached the end I am already in love with this book. The author's honesty is refreshing and I find myself  relating to her. Not in every way, but in some ways. Or at least being able to understand some of the things she's experienced because, I've been there too! Like her desperate love affair with her post-marriage boyfriend David. And when I say "love affair" I don't mean a literal affair like her cheating on her husband. Just wanted to clear that up!

I have enjoyed immensely going through this journey of spiritual and self discovery with Liz. Questions she has asked herself are some of the very same questions I have asked myself. Reading this book is really helping me to put things into perspective as to what truly matters to me. Liz and I don't always see eye to eye on those things, but something she said really resonated with me that is finally helping me to see that it really is OK to be my own person and to let others be THEIR own person. Let me explain further by sharing the excerpt with you.

Liz writes, " The Bhagavad Gita- that ancient Indian Yogic text - says that it is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection. So now I have started living my own life. Imperfect and clumsy as it may look, it is resembling me now, thoroughly."

Now just to clarify my own beliefs, I don't believe that everything in this world is destiny. I think there may be some destiny involved here and there, but I am a big believer in Free Agency and that some things happen as a result of my choices and others choices directly affecting me. So I guess I will omit "destiny" from that excerpt and just say "life" instead. Some of you may have already figured this out for yourselves or some of you are like me and this little passage is making  you wonder if you have allowed yourself to become another paper-cut out of someone else while really denying your inner being. (whoa deep stuff) I'm not sure if I have become the paper-cut out of someone else, but I feel like that's what I've been trying to do. Maybe not someone in particular, but then again there is one rocking hot mom who I have always wished I could be like. I believe she just hit 50 or will pretty soon and she is someone who you can tell is happy with life. She had breast cancer about a decade ago, but you would never know it looking at her now. She is in the best shape! And she is a great mom, cook, friend, church-member and she runs marathons often! I think I want to be like her because I want to be as content and happy as she is with life and in turn it makes her ever so beautiful. And a lot of people end up being jealous of her. My guess is it's because she radiates happiness and in turn everyone loves her because of it.

Anyway, the thought I am really trying to get to is that I really need to be my own person. I feel like being a member of the church, a lot is expected of me. And yes that's true. I will never turn my back on my beliefs to have a joy ride. No, no. But do I have to try and be like everyone else because it is expected of me? I don't want to point out specific things because there is nothing wrong with the way these women choose to live their lives. And in fact, some of the things I love to do are included in those characteristics and talents that those women have.

I often read a few of my friends blogs and think to myself. I wish I was like that or I hope to be that kind of a mother. There are so many things that I "wish" I was good at or natural at, but that's all I really do about it. I wish. And that wishing has gotten me nowhere. I feel as though I am still the same old boring person wishing that I was more like so and so. This reminds me of something I heard a past stake president say before I got married - The more you compare yourself to another person the less likely you will achieve your own personal full potential. (in more words or less) What great council! How come I couldn't apply it then?

The more and more I have looked into my soul/mind and the way it works, the more I've come to realize how important positive reinforcement is in ones young life. Just a decade of putting a child down or even neglecting to encourage them in their talents and passions can have permanent damage. But I don't want to see myself as permanently damaged even though I have this mentality about myself that I have a hard time shaking. My kids will be showered with so much positive encouragement and so many compliments that they will believe they can do anything if they put their mind to it. Anything I ever voiced that I wanted to do when I was a kid was either met with a reason why I wouldn't be able to do it or a "that's nice" and going back to ignoring me. This has manifested itself in my adult life as I have continued to put myself down cause that's all I really know how to do. If someone tells me I am good at something I kind of don't believe them. When my husband tells me I'm smart and/or talented, I call him a liar. What a crazy mentality to have!

I had a thought this past week that my new goal to work on, until it became natural in me, would be to follow through on every prompting that I have. If I feel I should pray, I pray. If I feel I should read the scriptures I read, if I feel I should say something kind to someone or apologize for something I did even if it was a long time ago I should. I want to call or visit someone that pops into my mind when I wonder, "How is so and so?" I want to have a best girl friend again. And although, I still consider some of my girl friends back home some of the best I've ever had, they aren't here with me in Utah and I really need to have close friends here. It would be ideal to have a best friend with someone who is in the same stage of life as I am. Married with a child(s) or at least with a child. There is just something about having a child that really helps to put things in perspective. Not to say that my child-less friends don't have perspective, but they have more freedoms and luxuries then I do. Whereas, my life revolves around my baby and my flexibility is, well, not so flexible at times.

I understand that this post may seem like a lot of randomness, but I assure you in my head it makes complete and total sense. Maybe I am behind on this kind of self-discovery, but at least I'm a disoverin' what I can do to improve my quality of life and my level of happiness. I don't want to be just sort of content with life, but so happy and enthralled by it because I chose to follow through on the things that make me truly happy, not trying to be like somebody else.

I am Jessica Marie Havican and there is no one else out there like me. So why am I trying to be someone else then? Call me if you need a friend. Who knows, maybe you'll be getting a call from me. :-)