My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee

Last night I had one of those moments that seemed to want squeeze everything positive out of me. James got some kind of stomach virus Sunday night and by Tuesday night was feeling better. Just in time for me to get the bug late Tuesday or early Wednesday, however you want to look at it. Janen appeared to us to be a little sick too, but she didn't have it as severe. She slept a lot on Wednesday, only waking up to eat and falling back asleep within a few minutes.

Wednesday was an absolutely miserable day. I couldn't breast feed because I was so sick and my milk supply had dropped significantly from dehydration. I also had never felt physical pain all over my body that bad before. I had to lay in a hot bath a few different times to try and control the pain because I didn't want to take any pain relievers on an empty stomach, but couldn't eat anything yet.

I asked James to give me and the baby a blessing when i felt the sickness coming on. I had really hoped that it would not get me as bad as it did. I was angry that it had. Confused as to why this blessing "didn't work" when all other blessings I received for sickness in my life had. Poor James had to miss 3 days of work and school so that he could get healthy and then so he could take care of Janen while I was sick. Oh and of course, take care of me.

This has not been an easy year for us. We feel like every time we get back on our feet, something comes a long to wipe us out flat on our backs and we just have to learn to roll over, push ourselves up, dust off the debris and keep pressing forward. I can't remember the last time I have felt so lonely and I thought that things were getting better only to have that all kicked to the curb and to start over from the beginning.

Yesterday, Janen decided she would be up for 15 hours straight (with the exception of two very small cat naps). She finally fell asleep at 7:30 AM. Let me tell you, that was hard. Because she was extremely needy or colicky. However you want to look at it. It's frustrating trying to constantly soothe a baby who is just inconsolable. Not only that, but getting over a sickness that had left me very weak and tired.

I pleaded and prayed that God would calm my baby girl and help her to fall into a deep slumber and that whatever was ailing her would disappear. Or that I would know how to fulfill her needs. After several hours and with no improvement, I became discouraged. I even told God I was angry with him. Wondering why He had abandoned me in my time of need. I felt as though I was about to go through a severe emotional break down. I thought this postpartum crap was over now. I felt things were improving. Didn't feel as "depressed" as I had in the first month of her life. But here it was plaguing me as I rock my little girl desperately, trying to get her to calm down and get her to fall asleep. I almost felt angry with her.

But then something small and sweet came into my mind. The song, My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee from the musical, Joseph Smith, The Prophet.

Here are the beautiful and uplifting lyrics to the song that brought an emotional & postpartum depressed woman like myself peace and strength.

For a little while
Have I forsaken thee;
But with great mercies will I gather thee.
In a little wrath I hid my face from thee
For a moment.
But with everlasting kindness will I gather thee,
And with mercy will I take thee ‘neath my wings,
For the mountains shall depart,
And the hills shall be removed,
And the valleys shall be lost beneath the sea,
But know, my child,
My kindness shall not depart from thee!

Though thine afflictions seem
At times too great to bear,
I know thine every thought and every care.
And though the very jaws
Of hell gape after thee I am with thee.
And with everlasting mercy will I succor thee,
And with healing will I take thee ‘neath my wings.
Though the mountains shall depart,
And the hills shall be removed,
And the valleys shall be lost beneath the sea,
Know, my child,
My kindness shall not depart from thee!

How long can rolling waters
Remain impure?
What pow’r shall stay the hand of God?
The Son of Man hath descended below all things.
Art thou greater than He?

So hold on thy way,
For I shall be with thee.
And mine angels shall encircle thee.
Doubt not what thou knowest,
Fear not man, for he
Cannot hurt thee.
And with everlasting kindness will I succor thee,
And with mercy will I take thee ‘neath my wings.
For the mountains shall depart,
And the hills shall be removed,
And the valleys shall be lost beneath the sea,
But know, my child,
My kindness shall not depart from thee!
My kindness shall not depart from thee!

I knew in that moment that God had heard my prayer and He knew that the only way to reach me was through song. Music touches me and penetrates my stubborn and angry heart when nothing else can get through. I know God loves me and hears me. Even when I think He doesn't. James woke up took the baby and rocked her to sleep within a few minutes. I'm sure I could've rocked her to sleep, but I needed to be relieved and my sweet husband saw the need.

I know that this post is already long, but I have just one last thing to say. I know that the lyrics to this song were inspired by various verses in the Doctrine and Covenants. The prophet, Joseph Smith had received so much persecution and tribulation for His beliefs and in his weakness asked God why He had abandoned him. And God answered him in more words or less the words you find in the song above. I remember struggling with my testimony of the Prophet when I was a teenager. How could I really know that this man saw God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ and restored the true church to the earth? It meant a lot of prayer, yes, but I had to get to know him. Know his life and learn about his trials and tribulations. As I came to know him more personally it finally hit me one day. Why would someone lie about all of those things and suffer so much persecution that would eventually lead to his martyrdom unless it were true? No one would. That's when I knew that he was a true prophet of God.



He is one of the greatest heroes the world has ever seen, but sadly one that many people do not know. But I'm sure glad that I do!