Confession

See the girl in the above picture?? Know who it is? I'll clue you in. It's Rachel from the hit TV show Glee. (My new obsession) Rachel. You love her. You hate her. You envy her. And in the beginning there were a couple of times where you didn't know if you wanted to slap her or hug her. She is very outspoken about her musical talents. In fact, if you look up narcissistic in the dictionary (latest edition of course) you may see a picture of her face. She believes she's going to be a star someday. Believes she is the best and for a while there, she would even say that she would trample on anyone who got in her way. She's a fighter and she's determined to make it to the top.

Why am I talking about Rachel? Because yesterday I realized something about myself. I have a little bit of Rachel in me. I don't necessarily boast that as a good thing or even a bad thing. Just a mere observation. In what ways am I like Rachel? Well, I don't think I'm anywhere close to as narcissistic as she is. I wouldn't even say that I AM narcissistic. But, I do have a little bit of Music Snob in me. When someone sings a wrong note, I point it out. When someone isn't keeping up with the tempo, I point it out. When someone sings their vowels like they have a frisbee in their mouth, I point it out. Of course, let me be clear that I never point it out or even say anything or think anything negative when it's just singing hymns in church. The Rachel in me desists during those times. You don't have to be afraid to sing, I promise! I am merely talking about musical performances.

Yesterday, our stake had a musical type fireside for the Christmas season. It was not as prepared as I would've like it to have been. On a scale of 1 -10 in the matter of preparedness, I'd say it was a 5. And that just doesn't cut the mustard for me. But the worst part of it all was the lack of direction from the director. She barely merits the name director. Our opening number was this great rendition of Joy to the World. The orchestra and organ accompanied us. It should've been a banger number. Except that it wasn't. Want to know why?? Because the director forgot to bring the choir in. That's right she just plain didn't do it. Myself and a few other members of the choir that read music knew that it was time to come in. So I sang. But the other 90% didn't. Because the majority of them aren't as musically inclined. But it's not really their fault. No, NO. It's the director's. That is her responsibility to her choir. And it wasn't just one note that wasn't sung by the choir. It was a whole line practically. I was embarrassed for everybody and vowed that I would never be in the stake choir again if she directed it.

(See, I am a meanie like Rachel!!!!)

It also made me think about the stake I grew up in. Fresno California North Stake. What a great stake it is! I'm not sure if I will ever find a stake that I love as much as my home stake. It is full of such talented people. Not only talented in their musical abilities, but in their leadership and direction and their excellent preparation skills. I am going to miss being part of such a fantastic stake and being among such wonderful people. Everything has always been carefully planned out far in advance and it shows in all of the performances we put on year after year. I am proud to come from this stake and I miss it dearly.

I miss home dearly. Utah county is a different experience for me and I just don't know how to feel like I belong. I feel as though some people here are out for their own agenda. Doing their own thing. Surviving day to day on their own. Afraid to ask for help, or afraid to reach out to someone in need. I don't see those Christ-like attributes as often as I used to when I was at home. But this brought me to another thought. Maybe things aren't the same back at home. What if I went back and things were different? What if the world IS becoming just a little bit more selfish?? I hope not. That makes me very sad.

Maybe I don't see as many kind acts of service here because I'm still getting to know everybody. I mean, yes, this stake functions differently then the one I came from. I feel that it is more divided then actually united. And it does make it hard that I live in a place of transition. So many people coming and going. I was guilty at one point for having the, "well, I'm not going to be here long so what does it matter if I..." Then I remembered a fireside back at home that the Fresno State institute director gave when I was a YSA. He said, that no matter where you are or how long you're there for, plant your roots. It doesn't matter if you're only there for a brief few months. Plant your roots. Get involved. Go about your life as if you were going to be there forever. Get to know people, build relationships. Do your Home/visiting teaching. You'll have a much happier life in that new place if you permanently place yourself there in your mind. Even if it is only temporary. I see now what he means. And I'm praying that I can build more friendships with the people I come in contact with. Hopefully, in turn, they will want to build a friendship with me.

I have been married for almost 8 months and in those 8 months I have been Visit Taught ZERO times and Home Taught ZERO Times. This never would've happened if I was back home. My past loving Home teachers and Visiting teachers never let a month go by without checking in on me and letting me know they care. This has been a hard thing for me to deal with. And I wonder how I let it not get to me. I'll tell you one thing. It helps me to want to be a better visiting teacher despite what I may have going on in my life and if anything, I'm grateful for that. It's like Joseph Smith said, "I only want to do good by people." And I really do!